i don’t know why tv lies so much. it makes it hard to believe anything on the news is real.

I may not be a scientist, but I’m pretty sure that there is something innate about gin that whenever it is added to something, it just tastes fancier. Maybe its cause good gin is associated with England and they’re a land of fancypants. But that isn’t american. Let’s just stick with science.

God was seriously wasted when he put Star Wars Day and Cinco de Mayo right next to each other. 

Actually, this was the first sober Cinco de Mayo I’ve had in a while… my worst was junior year at college. I woke up in the dorms bathroom floor, on top of some crutches I’ve never seen before in my life, and spent the morning puking/shitting fire every 30 minutes or so. I also had to move out that day… so my parents showed up to help and found me laying on my floor with nothing packed.

Family gatherings are so awkward. Especially when you majored in philosophy and people ask what you’re studying…

Sometimes I really can’t stand the super happy/hyper drunks when I’m not happy/hyper myself. I’d only do whats in the vote incentive if the beer was already finished though. Wasting booze is one of the Cardinal Sins of Alcoholics.

Eating one giant burrito would save me time, but it might take longer to cook…

To drink or not to drink. That’s always the question.

I’ve been all three of these guys at one point in my life. My advice: don’t be the loser on the far left unless you absolutely have to.